The Diary Of A Control Freak
The Diary Of A Control Freak
You know what I find the hardest thing to do? Admit weakness. I have worked very hard over the course of my life to put on a facade of strength and toughness so that others can’t see the hurt or the pain. I bury my feelings down deep and cringe when they begin to creep to the surface. I rush to push them back in and hide away, almost in shame, because I can’t allow people to know that either the situation or the themselves have managed to get under my skin. I refuse access to anyone trying to needle their way in and even my relationship with God tends to suffer because of my requirement to be independent and self-reliant. Sure at times, it can be lonely and difficult to have to face certain situations on my own, but my mind tells me that the struggle will only continue to strengthen me.
Honestly, I know the joke is on me. Control is only an illusion. The reality is, I have no control, just this trick of the mind to make me believe that I’ve got it all together and nothing will break down the walls I’ve painstakingly built, one brick at a time. Funny thing about God is that he will put me in these situations where it forces the walls to come down. I don’t like it. Oh how I loathe my lost illusion of dominance, but I am well aware that it is a necessity. I know that if I don’t let go of the past hurt, shame, anger, depression, guilt, grief, despair, and fear I will never be able to walk fully in the purpose God has over my life. Jesus tells us in 2 Corinthians 12:9,
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
This means I have to let go, and let God if I’m ever going to experience the fullness of his grace. Easier said then done, right? The question that continually rises up, is how? How do I allow myself to step out of the negative and into the glorious light of Jesus? I’ve spent so much time perfecting this tough exterior, that I don’t have a clue how to be vulnerable and to be really honest, there is a part of me that doesn’t want to know. Emotions tend to be such a foreign concept and I find it difficult to let myself feel in a healthy way.
So, I do the one thing everyone, including God, tells you to do in any situation, and that is PRAY.
Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. -Philippians 4:6
Everyday, every situation I come across, each moment I feel myself shutting off, I pray. I ask God to show me how to relinquish my delusions of control and remind myself that I am not a Christian because I am strong and have it all together. I am a Christian because at times I’m weak and I need a savior. I realize it’s a choice that I have to make. The right to choose is good place to start in any area of struggle. Wake up, and choose to have a different mindset. Wake up and choose to forgive that person who has hurt you. Wake up and choose to see the positive side of everything. Wake up and choose to not allow the enemy to have control over your life. Wake up and choose to let God be your focus and the Holy Spirit to guide your every step. It’s never easy, but the best things in life never are. Making the choice to change your thoughts, and actions takes perseverance and dedication. But I can promise the results will change your life and only for the better.
He will show us the ways of life, granting us the joys of His presence and the pleasures of living with Him forever. -Psalm 16:11